Everyone Wants A Village, But No One Wants to be a Villager Anymore

We all say we crave community, but how often do we actually show up for it? Follow our writer Shu Yen as they unpack how our quiet retreat from the chaos of life is slowly dulling our empathy and ability to truly bond with those around us.

The transition into university left me basically zero energy to deal with anyone or anything other than myself. My only solace was my little pockets of doomscrolling time after a long day, and funnily enough, my algorithm knew exactly what kind of content I needed to consume. I scrolled through countless videos with many users citing that they were in their “protecting my peace” era and insinuated that “protecting your peace” (or more like detaching from others’ lives) was the way to preserve yourself. This thought process came to me so subconsciously that I had to take a step back after realising I was seriously contemplating skipping a friend’s birthday party solely because I was lazy. Or the time when I didn’t want to stay online listening to my friend’s troubles because, you guessed it, I was lazy. That was when it really got me thinking: When have we all become so apathetic? What’s the line between personal boundaries and being a bad friend?

As cliché as it sounds, I do think the advent of social media has played a huge part. Social media has made participating in communities easier than ever before. Our parents probably had to make trips down to their friends’ houses just to get a glimpse of them. In this day and age, though? All we have to do is tap on one Instagram Story and we are able to easily see what our friends are up to. There seems to be no need for us to go the extra mile to drop our friends a text or organise a hangout to see how they have been doing. We as humans love convenience, and as Psychologist Rashi Bilash quotes, “The brain is always in a relentless pursuit of efficiency”. So if we can get a sense of how our community is doing with a few clicks on social media, why even take the time to show up for your friends?

However, I think we tend to forget how easy it is to curate your social media persona. Your friends are not going to be posting everything bad and good happening in their lives. As harsh as it sounds, we are simply under the impression that we are involved in our community when that is actually far from the case.

We can’t miss talking about the trend of nonchalance gaining popularity on TikTok when it comes to the topic of modern connection. Trend aside, the Merriam-Webster dictionary’s definition of being nonchalant is “having an air of easy unconcern or indifference”. To be nonchalant is to show as little emotion as possible, like nothing affects you. Got a crush on someone? A good chance TikTok would flood your algorithm with videos asking you to remain as nonchalant as possible. While many experts have cited this trend as a way for young people to preserve themselves in a culture of high judgement and visibility, it could also act as a huge obstacle to forming real genuine connections. We suppress our feelings and act less interested than we actually are. Even when we want to reach out, we tell ourselves to put on a mask of indifference and fail to let the other party know how much we value them in our lives. In the long run, it manifests as constant no-shows in people’s lives,  and the connection eventually dwindles. However, the truth is that we care, we all do – humans are social creatures. This nonchalance epidemic creates a toxic cycle where we wait for the other party to reach out first, and while we wait, we overthink cues, miss opportunities and have surface-level interactions just to gauge what the other person is thinking (which is even harder as the other person also wants to maintain an air of nonchalance). If they do not reach out, we just watch helplessly as the connection fades into oblivion. All it leaves us are our own peaceful, but lonely bubbles. 

Lastly, the pace of life has drained us. We are constantly competing to keep ourselves afloat but also how we are made aware of all the happenings around the globe every day. We spend all our energy trying to preserve ourselves and are affected by the bad news happening that we are left with essentially no compassion for our closest local communities. We fortify our personal boundaries and withdraw further into our own bubbles, and it becomes a vicious cycle where social isolation causes further social isolation. Esther Perel calls this “social atrophy” where humans are so used to social isolation that they forget how or become worse at interacting, showing compassion, and communicating with other people. 

Esther Perel likens the idea of social atrophy to physical muscle loss. Our social muscles deteriorate when we don’t regularly practice socialising. Social atrophy differs a little from just feeling lonely. It is not a passing feeling or even a feeling to begin with – it is a change in someone’s ability to navigate the world. They find it harder to read social cues and become less attuned to opportunities to connect with people. This means that creating spaces or platforms for communication won’t work anymore as many will not even desire them. What’s even more alarming is that this problem of social atrophy is not apparent to people who might be going through it. Gradually, the notion that we can do without social connections embeds itself in our minds almost subconsciously. Now how scary does that sound…

Of course, I am not saying that having personal boundaries is an inherently bad thing. Personal boundaries set the parameters of our mental and emotional space, protecting our mental well-being. We could try changing our perspective on things. We don’t always have to view showing up for our community as a sacrifice of ourselves. For instance, showing up could remind you how fulfilling and nourishing spending time with your friends can be and it is not just a way for you to expend your energy. Showing up also does not have to come in the form of grand plans or or formal plans made three months in advance. A quick coffee catch-up or a quick appearance at your friend’s graduation ceremony can easily bring back the dwindling presence of community in your life.

In conclusion, I do strongly believe it is about perspective. Showing up even if it inconveniences you slightly isn’t going to obliterate your personal boundaries. Like anything else in life, we should find balance – there is space for both self-preservation and community. Be selective with your energy and boundaries and pour it into places you deem matter. Bear that little bit of tiredness and in return, you could get to nurture and rekindle that powerful connection with the people you love. Nothing in this world comes without effort and likewise, relationships and community-building take time to cultivate and nurture.

What a privilege it is to be invited, involved, and asked for help. Give it a try, play your part as a villager and you might just be surprised at how fulfilling being part of a village can be.