My watch chimes 11.30am, the professor starts packing up and people start streaming out of class. On the way out, I hear someone remark:
“Wah, my bf is a Starbucks lor, always making me the best coffee.”
“Who says that?” ... was what my mouth nearly spurted out. But I held it in.
It got me thinking though: “What if eateries had a personality? What if I was dating them?” Maybe I need therapy, but anyway, let’s jump right in.
The Tea Party
A 6 that acts like he's a 9.5. The perfect match for those who go: “Aiyo I don’t know what to eat but I want something nice, cheap and not cai png."
The date is bland at best. He’s constantly talking about himself, about how he’s always the talk of the town, about his cooking skills. He tries to impress you with a huge selection of dishes; anything from Beef Bolognese to Carbonara. Heck, he even brings out a selection of coffee to prove he's a connoisseur.
All of a sudden, he leans in uncomfortably close - as if ready for a K-drama style kiss. You see his lips move and hear a quiet whisper in your ear:
“Ice lemon tea and pasta only $4.80”.
That was all it took.
Being the broke, naive uni student that you are, you give your first kiss away.
As you stare woefully at the tiny pieces of sausage in your Chicken Sausage Aglio, you can’t help but wonder whether it was worth it or not after all.
Kenboru
The kinda guy that constantly wears floral print and has more Insta followers than money in his bank account.
So, your first date kind of ended on a low. No matter, this new Japanese kid on the block seems to have something to offer. You’ve seen him a few times with his stylishly messy hair, cute smile and colourful shirts. Eventually, you get to know him and he immediately dazzles you with his skills.
Blowtorch in hand, he carefully sears the salmon to a perfect char, flips it onto a bowl of delectable rice and tops it to the brim with freshly made mentaiko and fish roe. There is no resisting, you take your first bite and your whole world is lit on fire, the perfect harmony of flavours seems to make the room spin.
As the near perfect date draws to a close, you get ready to leave only to find that he’s made off with half the cash in your wallet. Well, be happy that at least you didn’t get the unagi.
Koufu
The guy that’s always busy studying, never really exciting, but at least you know you can count on him for math advice.
You’re now coming back to reality and realising that your wallet isn’t an unending money pit. You’ve also started talking to an old acquaintance from a while back.
You never really found him too interesting. He’s the typical studious kid who can just about memorise a library’s worth of recipes. You start chatting, never thinking this would lead anywhere.
Eventually you’re drawn in by his frugality and practicality. His cooking kind of reminds you of home; filling, scrumptious and affordable, just how Mum makes it. Maybe hanging out with him isn’t too bad after all.
Your relationship lasts approximately a week before you decide that eating your mum’s cooking everyday is kind of boring. Maybe your wallet was meant to empty.
Bricklane
The ultimate playboy.
"Looking for a little excitement? A hangover perhaps? Call me for a good time, love."
Want to throw all your problems out a window for a night? Look no further, this guy has everything you need.
He’s hot, sexy, he even hangs out with Kenboru. The best part? He knows how to party. Food? I mean, he can whip up some pretty good Donburi, but let’s face it, that’s not what you’re here for. You wait around till sunset and that’s when he shows his true colours: Soju, draught beer, cocktails; you name it, he’s got it.
As the night draws to a close, he decides to serve up the finale: the finest Vodka in this part of town. There’s no hesitation, you just can’t stop yourself.
You wake up the next day with vomit lining your mouth, wondering whether the room is spinning, your head is spinning, or a bit of both.
Good times never last, do they?
In the end, you're still single. Maybe you’ll never find the one for you after all. But then again, everything has a silver lining, and I guess the one here is that finding something to eat isn’t exactly like finding a match. You don’t have to stick to one food forever.
Just remember the classic proverb:
“There will always be other fish in the sea”.
Go find those fish - then eat them, my fellow smuggers.