Have you watched the latest Netflix hit All of Us Are Dead yet? Do you have what it takes to survive the same while trapped in school? Writer turned survival strategist Julian takes you through your best options on campus.
Disclaimer: The following article does not constitute professional advice.
Have you ever seen a zombie before? No, I am not talking about those inhuman dean listers who mug almost every hour of the day. I am talking about undead monsters who will happily tear you apart for their deranged pleasure. Wait, that sounds just like your typical snake in class. But I digress. If you are reading this, the zombie outbreak has already begun. Your former classmates now hunger not just for grades, but also your sweet succulent flesh.
Luckily for you, we came prepared for this exact scenario. Presenting the SMU Zombie Survival Guide, your essential companion in preserving your student life in the school of the living dead.
Rule #1: Keep Calm and Carry On
Your school life has gone to hell, and your cohort mates are flattening the bell curve by literally feasting on competition. But fret not! We are SMU students after all, and working in chaotic situations is just another Monday for us.
So take a deep breath and plan your next step. Perhaps you could make a mad dash out of campus?
Well…you probably won’t survive, unless you are a track and field sprinter in SMU Athletics. Not to discourage you, but it is hard enough to outrun your responsibilities, let alone a horde of zombies around every corner.
Maybe your best option is to hold out somewhere on campus until help arrives. However, where could you possibly go to hideout during the literal end of the world?
Rule #2: Hostel for Hostile Times
Have you ever heard the saying that goes, “the eye of the hurricane is the safest place to be”? Like most other things in SMU, higher risks often means greater rewards (my fellow BOSS bidders can attest to that). As such, the best chance of survival is at SMU Connexion, located right at the heart of our campus.
The five-storey building is one of SMU’s state-of-the-art innovations, with its power generated from a photovoltaic (solar panel) system. With multiple facilities such as the jamming room, games lounge and a social pantry, you will be living la vida loca amidst the chaos with Connexion’s self-sustaining systems.
But wouldn’t it be a death wish hiding out in the most accessible area of the campus?
Well, the greatest benefit of Connexion is also its greatest annoyance - “barriers to entry”. Think about the number of times you were running late waiting for overcrowded lifts to access the top floors, or fumbling for your student card just to go back and forth from multiple rooms. Conversely, in the realm of the walking dead, these same annoyances will keep those mindless numb-nuts from having your brain as a snack.
Rule #3: Teamwork makes the dream work
Now that your new “living accommodation” is settled, it is time to plan your “curriculum”.
Any SMU student would know the value of a good team. The mix of talents will carry you far in your university journey. Likewise, in a zombie outbreak, your team’s composition will be the determining factor between living another day, or joining Michael Jackson in his Thriller dance.
Assuming that not all of us are dead, let’s get to assembling your zombie survival group.
The Brawn: They are the frontline of the team, serving both as your sword and shield. The time is nigh for these gym bros to pull their weight, after years of hogging the SMU gym.
The Brain: These Sun Tzus are the masters of tactics, providing the direction to the action. Perhaps those aspiring consultant friends of yours could FINALLY provide some meaningful strategic advice (just kidding)!
The Heart: The ray of sunshine in an otherwise bleak new world. These members are the glue of the group, keeping your spirits high and hopes of rescue alive.
The Burden: If you don’t fit the above archetypes, chances are, you are the burden of the group. Hey, that makes the both of us, so don’t beat yourself up! Remember, those who run away live to fight another day!
With a reliable team and a sturdy hideout, all that is left to do is to execute the final phase of your fool-proof plan…
Rule #4: Have a nice cold pint at Bricklane and wait for all this to blow over
Surviving SMU isn’t easy, let alone living through the literal end-of-the-world. While you have done an immaculate job of staying alive, you should be here not just for a long time, but also for a good time. So take a seat my friend, and let’s drink to yet another thrilling semester at SMU!